by WhisperPenIn a grown ups world. – sometime between 1964 and 1966
So the initial move into the new house has now passed. And time goes on.
I have a new school, and new experiences. Catching tadpoles from puddles after the rain, scampering over and through the imaginary tunnels made of unused concrete pipes, and climbing high up the old gum trees along the dry dirt road. Just come home for tea before dark was the rule. No hover parents back then.
I don’t remember why, but mummy wasn’t happy. Daddy was on afternoon shift and doesn’t come home from work until midnight , so every night it was just mummy, me and baby brother.
There’s lots that go on in a grown ups world, lots that I don’t know, but I do know I made mummy very angry that night.
Mummy loved me, I know she did, it’s just she didn’t cuddle me. “Children were to be seen and not heard” daddy would say.. “Go outside and play” I was told, “leave your mother alone”. And I did.
I don’t remember why, but that night mummy was very mad at me- again.
I was in so much trouble, “go to your room, and just you wait till your father gets home”, mummy yelled. “Just you wait, he can deal with you”.
It was 5pm, the fact that daddy wouldn’t be home for 7 hours wasn’t at all comprehendible. My world said that my mummy was very mad at me. So angry she went into her bedroom ,slammed the door , and didn’t come out. Even when I sat outside and sang her little love songs. She just screamed go away,go away, I don’t want you.
I remember writing little love letters, and drawing little red hearts with my school pencils. I crept down the dark hallway and slid them under mummy’s bedroom door, and sang another little song. Mummy I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I cried. But this only resulted in greater intensity of her threats, and my rejection.
It was dark and getting cold, I was so scared and broken. Mummy doesn’t want me, daddy’s going to belt me.
I was alone.
Down the hall I slowly walked, and back into my bed I crawled and punched my eyes, over and over again trying to hurt myself.
I just want someone to love me I cried out through my tears. I’m sorry.
Then my little hands stopped and turned from anguished thumping fists to hands of prayer gently tucked under my chin. Jesus, You love me. You love me so very much, I softly whispered as tears ran down my cheeks.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, curled up in a little ball, but from that very moment my sobbing stopped. I felt so wrapped in love as Jesus came and softly kissed the tears away from my little hot cheeks and puffy red eyes.
Next I remember , feeling so secure under the bedsheets with the old flickering torch in hand, searching through my bible for words of comfort to escape the angry grown ups world.
Found at last … the words of hope, words to keep me going, Jesus’s promise.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.
Revelation 21:4
Hugging my bible tight to my chest, I fall asleep unafraid, knowing this will all end one day, as I remember those soft kisses and words that melted my broken heart- yes my little precious – I do love you and always will.
And I love you too Jesus.
And when I’m sad, scared or lonely I still go to be and hug my bible close- just like the little girl I am today.
2018